Petch is a riot as always. Get ready for some #ThaiCulture101 too.
English is not my first language, corrections are welcome!
Bold: The characters are speaking in English.
Reading the short message several times over, I was divided as to whether I should waste my words on him or waste my time going along with this crazy bastard.
I couldn’t help but sigh. Rarely do I get opportunity each year to eat Italian food. Just thinking about the sight, taste, and smell of it makes my mouth water. That hottie seems like he would have a good taste in food. With him as my guide, the meal would no doubt be heavenly. That said, this tiny wallet of mine can’t take another beating.
What the hell do I do… I’m running low on money because of the condo, not to mention, I already purchased two boxes of instant noodles.
It sucks that I’m the indecisive type as well. Who should I ask advice from…
“Petch, are you god damn mental!?” The voice of my younger relative rang out from my phone. “How could you let some untrustworthy guy stay over at your place? What if he decides to slit your throat in the middle of the night and take off with your body?”
“Hua, that guy is damned rich.” I argued. “And another thing, my camera is way more expensive than my body.”
“Oh yeah, that’s for sure, you’re a worthless person after all.”
“I’m kidding~ take it easy. There, there…”
Do not be confused by the above conversation just yet. Here’s the deal. I ended up getting lost once more on the way back from the embassy. And feeling as indecisive as I was, I decided to call my younger relative, Phai whom I was close with. It turns out, Phai answered with full confidence that he knew the following areas, Saphan Mai, Don Muang, Lam Luk Ka, and Pathum Thani very well. Hearing this for the first time, I almost thought Phai dropped out of university to become a truck driver, driving back and forth between Anu Saowaree and Thammasat Rangsit. He was most likely bullshitting though, because I ended up having to circle around Tesco Lotus twice (TN: Tesco Lotus, the equivalent of Walmart). Eventually I was able to find my way despite the incompetency of my guide. Feeling slightly better, I expressed my inner suffering for Phai to hear in full detail.
“Hoiii. Bro, what the hell. You work as part of the media yet trust people so easily. Evil people in suits aren’t exactly few and far between.” My lovely junior Phai sounded displeased. “That guy who evaded the law by escaping to England, isn’t he also one of those suit-wearing people?” (TN: Reference to Thaksin, the corrupt Thai politician)
“You speak straight to the point, five stars for you–not! Tsk, get a grip on that radical mouth of yours.” It would be bad if this story was left unfinished due to the writer being arrested and burnt at the stakes. “By the way, where are you right now?”
“I’m at Makkhawan Bridge.”
I facepalm myself loud with a ‘paap!‘. The Thammasat University blood sure is strong if it can turn a humble boy from a Chinatown dim sum shop into a Yellow Shirt protestor.
(TN: Politics in Thailand is mainly divided into two factions known as the Red Shirts vs. Yellow Shirts. Talking about the latter, the Yellow Shirts are known for their protests at Makkhawan Bridge and their dislike of the politician Thaksin. Secondly, the Yellow Shirts are supported by the majority of Thammasat University students; a university well-known for being ‘very political’.)
“Hey Petch, do you wanna join me? Forget about that hottie and treat me to a meal instead. There’s tons of food around here, not to mention the busty fair-skinned girls.”
“Hua, does your pops know? Be secretive about this because if he finds out, you’re gonna get your ass kicked. His hatred for protestors is a well-known fact after all.”
Phai burst out laughing. “I’m kidding. Of course I didn’t go to Makkhawan.”
“So where are you then?”
“Oh I’m with the Red Shirts, we’re getting ready to record our daily broadcast.”
“You ungrateful child, come back this instant! If you don’t, I’m cutting our blood ties. You won’t be getting a single penny of the inheritance money!” I roared into my phone, making the street kid who was selling flowers by my car window flinch; I probably looked like a predator ready to bite their head off.
This time, Phai laughed till he lost all semblance of human speech. “Oww. Petch, my stomach hurts. Why is everything you say so ticklish? I’m tearing up.”
“Who asked you to provoke me like this. Next time we see each other, you’re so dead, be prepared.” I intimidated him before switching topics, “So should I go to dinner with this guy or run back home?”
“Fuck’s sake, I thought you already decided.” Phai made an exasperated noise. “Hey, I have an idea Petch.”
“What? Eat dinner with that hottie and then ask your pops to foot the bill?”
“Eat my shit for now– look, here’s what you need to do…”
I reversed my car into a parking spot while humming a cheerful tune. My, my, Phai may look like a clueless person, but I never thought he would be so cunning inside. ‘What?’ you ask. It’s very simple. I sent an SMS back to that hottie asking for his location, which it turns out from his reply he was already at Promphong Station; probably looking forward to his free meal. Pretending, I claimed to go find a parking space, when in actuality I hit the accelerator, cut into Phetchaburi road, and headed straight for my apartment. While that hottie restlessly waits at Promphong, I’ll be in my room, A/C turned on with two cans of beer eagerly waiting for me. Lying about with happiness I’ll then have something to tease him about on my I next visit to the embassy. Ooh, what a great idea.
I walked past a BMW with half of its paint scuffed off, paused, and then backtracked three steps. Another wicked thought surfaced in my mind hihihi. Looking at the scratch marks on the right side of the car, I lick my lips. How about a little more payback? Either way, that hottie can easily pay for the repairs. That said, I grip my car keys tight, touched its sharp point to the shiny surface, and tore a long mark down the midsection of the driver-seat door.
Repent for your sins you hottie!
I look back to admire my work, then contentedly headed up the elevator. Pressing the number 12 button, I felt suspense and then relief when I discovered no one waiting to trap me in front of my room.
Huhuhu, catch me if you can!
The phone in my shirt pocket vibrated, alerting to an incoming message.
‘Where are you? I’ve been waiting for 30 minutes. What’s wrong?’ from +66867667xxx. I grin at my phone satisfyingly.
Keep dreaming, you bastard! I really have to thank Phai for this. Next time we meet, this bro is going to treat you to three bowls of Shai See Mhee Gieaw. (TN: Very inexpensive street noodles, one bowl costs less than a dollar. Petch is a cheapskate.)
I pushed the door to my apartment open and fully inhaled into my lungs. Revenge is sweet.
Now that you mention it, why is there a familiar foreigner, spectacled, half-naked, and sitting with his legs crossed reading a book next to my bed? Aren’t you supposed to be at Promphong!!!
“Wh–” My shaking hand pointed at his face. “Why are you still here?”
He looked at me through his glasses. “What? I’m waiting for the technician to arrive and fix the key card console. Where were you expecting me to go?”
He has a point! But even then, would someone like me obediently give in? I held my head high, “I assumed that you would be at Promphong by now.”
He tricked me! In the end this hottie was sitting and relaxing in my air-conditioned room, costing my electricity bill.
Alexey closed his book with a ‘Pu’, removing his reading glasses and sneered at me. “Your box of instant noodles is pitiful.”
“Why did you search through my belongings!”
Alexey made a face as if I was talking nonsense. “You’re so whiny. Help yourself and look around, does it look like anything’s been misplaced?” He opened his arms as to demonstrate innocence. I nearly wanted to dig a hole and hide when I saw that nothing had truly been moved except for the chair which was dragged to the side of my bed.
“If you didn’t, then so be it.” Real men don’t apologize if they’re wrong!
“Why don’t you ask him?”
This time, the hottie raised his eyebrows high before assuming an amused smile. “Hand me your phone.”
I offered my cute chocolate LG phone to him obediently. It was only now that I noticed the largeness of his hands. My chocolate-chan became a teeny tiny version of its original self when sitting in this guy’s hand. The hottie took out his sleek high-tech phone to compare, pressing the keypad of my phone with a ‘pip’, he then dialed a number.
“What are you doing.”
“I don’t have your number.”
“Ha? That shouldn’t be the case.”
The sleek phone in the other hand rang out, and its owner hung up the call. “But now I have it.”
He’s done me in!
“Hold on, if that number earlier isn’t yours, then who does it belong to?”
“Your beautiful golden retriever is waiting, I guess.”
Wait, wait, what is he talking about, whose dog? It’s a golden retriever too, how about I catch and raise it myself.
The hottie saw my face and stilled. “Have you really not figured it out?”
I shake my head furiously.
He beckoned me close with a finger. I bared my ears and listened intently, hoping to find out what is up with this ‘golden retriever’ and what kind of dog can send a message, inviting me to dinner at an Italian restaurant.
“Answer me Petch.”
“What.” Why is he speaking so softly?
“I’ve told you this much and yet you’re still clueless. Are you an idiot or actually crazy, Sasha went to the effort of inviting you to a luxurious dinner but you decide to come back and argue with me instead?”
My brain composed of a counterfeit CPU and 16 megabyte RAM calculated the outcome at a snail’s pace. The words ‘golden retriever’ slowly materialized into a pair of clear blue eyes, bright golden hair, and a wide smile that could cause several hearts to swell.
“Does it ring a bell? Hmmm?”
It was Sasha!? No wayyy~~~!
“But where did he get my number from?” I mumbled weakly.
Alexey shrugged. “How I am supposed to know. Either way, its too late now.” His large hands patted my shoulder ‘pu pu’ as if to console me… when suddenly, I was pushed onto the bed. Alexey climbed up and straddled my torso, his eyes glinting like a wolf ready to maul its prey.
“Hey!! Wha-what a-are you doing to me!”
My blood ran cold as the tall sturdy figure shifted to entirely cover the scene above me. Alexey gazed at me, eyes reflecting a playfulness which made me fear for my imminent future. I try to free my wrists but he pressed them further into the mattress, locking them tight like a vice grip.
The handsome face bent down beside my ear, whispering with a voice that had a touch of amusement mixed with pity. “I’m eating dinner with you of course… have you already forgotten our promise?”
My mouth trembled. The more I felt those warm lips touch the back of my ear, the more my hair stood on end. Trying to resist the large body pressed up against me, my head was whirling like a tornado, shredding the words that I wanted to say into bits and pieces. “Alex-… what are you… I…. I have to go to Sasha… no…”
“Sorry to hear kiddo. Unfortunately, I’m not willing to let some mutt steal my prey when it’s laid out right in front of me.”
“A promise made is a promise kept, is it not?”
A pair of teeth bit at my chin as if intending to tease me. However, those aggressive grey eyes conveyed the opposite. I pursed my lips tight, feeling anger quickly spill over and erase my initial sense of shock. “What idiotic promise, I didn’t mean it like this woiiii!” I exerted my arms to fight his grip. Even a good for nothing man like me has a sense of pride, your well-built muscles won’t stop me!
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhk! Something sharp and pointy tore into my upper right arm, making me wail out loud from the pain. I glare at the person in front of me and began to hate him even more when I discovered the cause of my excruciating pain was because he had bitten into my arm, sinking his teeth deliberately into the flesh. “What are you doing, you psycho! Have you lost your mind? That hurt woi!”
“If you went to dinner with Sasha, did you think you wouldn’t get hurt?” Alexey raised an eyebrow high, along with a mocking tone in his voice.
I really want to punch him blind, those teasing pair of eyes are the worst. Yet when I tried to resist again, my arm throbbed to the point where tears started to well up. The hottie took this opportunity to nail both my arms and legs, making me unable to move even an inch. Those cold grey eyes looked at me with victory.
“You’re quite feisty.”
“Do you think I’d let a guy use my backdoor? I’m not gay woi!”
“It’s not as if I’m interested in things like that.”
Au! If you have no interest in my backdoor, then what are you interested in!
“What you are or aren’t is not an issue that I need to know about. I’m just upholding our promise.” His face bent down to bite at the tip of my nose. “How about it, where’s my dinner?”
“I-I didn’t mean it like that. Like- like…” Fuck, I’m dizzy. Don’t come any closer, that’s enough~ your handsome face is very defined, its sharp enough to make me bleed but I still don’t want this~ nooo. “Like~~ I don’t have a fetish for civil servants alright? Huu huu, let me go, my type of guy isn’t an embassy staff like you!”
He shrugs. “Then I’m the mafia.”
“I don’t want the mafia too woi!”
“How fussy, I didn’t even ask whether you ‘wanted to’ or not. I just asked where my dinner is.” The hottie held his laughter to the point of almost bursting. This isn’t something to joke about!
“What are you laughing about. Let me go, I’ll make you some food!” I spoke hastily, finally depending on my survival instincts. Mom, dad, please help your son Petch. If this hottie releases me without losing my virginity, I swear I’ll present you with an offering of one hundred boiled eggs huuhuuhuu.
“I’ll make you my speciality, instant noodles! Its more delicious than a living man, a virgin, a plain guy with poor tastes, a glutton, a whiny complainer, and a guy who drools in his sleep like me woi! C’mon release me~ I promise not to put rat poison in your instant noodles, to add I’ll even give you the empty seasoning packet so you can ‘enter for a once in a lifetime chance to win a prize’!”
Suddenly, my prayers came true. The hottie Alexey lifted his hands to free me while laughing, his face flush and in tears till he had to grab a handkerchief, wiping at the corners of his eyes.
“You’re fucking crazy…” Alexey repeated two or three times before walking away to wash his face.
I observed the hottie closely for another 10 minutes, but seeing as he had truly lost interest in me, I headed into the kitchen, off to boil instant noodles according to our promise. I couldn’t help but let out a huge sigh.
Tonight, if I survive with my virginity intact, I’ll send my offerings of one hundred boiled eggs, and also an extra three packets of instant noodles to my parents… Amen.